The Sook Stool...

I have brought in a new rule at my house... The Sook Stool.
The sook Stool is a chair. It lives up the end of our hallway. It is used now when either of my kids decide they want to have a whinge about something. We recognise their need to voice their frustrations but also know that after a long day at work the hubby and i really dont want to have to listen to " Mummy.... such and such stole my such and such"  ten times in five minutes.
Both the girls (18 mnths and 3and a half yrs) use the stool.
It is a god send..
I mean, more often than not i will walk down the hallway and one of them have taken themself off to the chair all by themselves. They will sit there and mutter to themselves about what has annoyed them, then come back and continue to play nicely.
I have two much happier girls in my house now. :)

So i went out last night... it was a Monday, i always go to karaoke on a Monday...
I had a good night, saw my friends and sang a few songs... I even came home sober!
This morning i get up to the kids to find my house is a nightmare. There is shit everywhere...
Neither my hubby or my housemate decided to pick up after the kids or themselves.. (oh that's right, they are kids!)
I have had enough.
I am now treating the boys like kids.. I have made a roster/star chart. (so the kids can join in too) On which they have their daily jobs and they re weekly jobs. If at the end of the week they have gotten all of their stars they have a weekend.. If not, they can spend their Sundays cleaning with me!

I have tried everything.. From asking nicely to leaving very detailed instructional post it notes all over the house.

So now they can be treated the way i treat my kids.

(Only a short post but i thought it was entertaining!)

Love Love

Time flies when you're ..... wait, what was that line again???

So the never ending life of cleaning, cooking and wiping poo off various items never ends... (I'm joking about the poo, my kids aren't into corporal punishment so they keep it in the nappy!)

Ive found out that life unfortunately isn't easy, nor is learning how to deal with certain situations...

As i am not able to find the words with my friends and family, but seem to be able to write on here freely, here goes...
I think i may have a disorder... Every time i see myself in the mirror, i feel sick... there are no words to describe how insecure i am... I'm tired of trying to talk to my friends about it, it always turns into something about them, i don't have time to see a professional to talk to them so I'm stuck sitting here thinking constantly about how i can improve myself, not only on the outside but I'm constantly struggling and setting unrealistic (so they say) expectations on myself with house work and my life in general... i cant keep doing this but i cant stop... no one wants to help me... i don't wanna ask... I'm so scared of being judged as an "attention" seeker that i just sit and think...
Thinking and think... there is an inevitable end to this cycle I'm sure... but when? please let me know that this is going to end...
I know I'm not normal, Ive never been seen as normal and Ive always strived to be a better person...
(my past is not the nicest so I'm constantly trying to make up for previous mistakes.)

My kids make me smile no matter what is happening but i cant open up to Mr D at all... men can be funny about these things and i again... don't want judgement.

I feel stupid for not being honest with those around me, i know a few would support me, but i cant handle the thought of others knowing how i feel about myself... I have all this confidence on the outside but none where it counts, i make myself sick at the thought of me naked.

 I feel so lost at how to deal with this...
Sorry for the nature of the post... I really needed to vent and let these feelings out...

- cos i can
"beauty is in the eye of the beer holder"

I just couldnt help myself

Its been a while since ive written as ive been going through some interesting stuff on the home front...  I know i really shouldnt air my oublic life but ive now reached my tolerance level.
Mr D and i have been having a rough time fueled by lack of sleep and my apparent unrealistic expectations.
We have always had a great relationship, never fought, never argue... we talk things out... i dont know how to broach this topic without sounding like a jelous female though....
Our sex life has somewhat diminished as we have two kids under the age of 3, i keep trying but it seems like he isnt interested... ive told him ill dress up for him (these things have to be pre-arranged)and he still rathers go in for a wank... that hurts but isnt the worst...
We finally got to spend some quality adult time together last night... It was great! we watched a movie, talked and ...well... we're all adults here ....made the beast with two backs (LOL)
I am on morning shift today (obviously, theres no other reason id be up @5am if i wasnt)
The problem here is that when i jumped on the computer to check my emails, it was still on the 'suicide girls" website...
(for thosse who arent aware what this is, its naked chicks with tattoos adn provocative poses. sometimes they have news stories with the photos...)
Mr D had come out of the bedroom last night after having sex with me, and has continued to look at naked pics of girls... this REALLY hurts... AM i seriously THAT fucking revolting?
(I APOLOGISE NOW AS REST OF POST WILL HAVE MUCH SWEARING!)
HAVE I SERIOUSLY BECOME THAAT WOMAN? iM NOT QUITE GOOD ENOUGH TO SATISFY (I KNOW HE CAME... MUST HAVE NEEDED MORE THOUGH)
It makes me feel dirty, unwanted, disgusting and like a failure... I thought he had a good time last night... i dont know how to deal with this anymore...
Mr D slept through easter cos he went out drinking the night before, didnt get anyone anything (he brought some small cadbury eggs home from work for Miss A)
Then spent the next two days organising and playing a role playing game. No probs with the fact i spent no time with him on the long weekend, not even a problem with his mates staying till midnight monday night after arriving at 9am... I have a problem with my confidence... I am a size 6-8, but i have no tits, ivce never been blessed with small legs and i have body issues as it is... thanks for making them worse...
Really... thanks... 
(sorry for rambling and bitching on here but i needed to vent somewhere, my friends have had enough of me...)

the time it takes...

So, again, it has been too long and i apologise... The truth is, ive just been lazy, i have opened up this page god knows how many times and i still hadnt thought of anything really interesting to write... I still dont know what is interesting or not in the world anymore as my entire world revolves around my family... Well kinda.

Had a good weekend which involved a dinner party on Saturday night which was great. got the kids together and a bunch of old mates, ate, drank and played around. Was great to have a chance to be someone other than mummy for a change!
On sunday Mr D's family had a lunch at an all you can eat restraunt. (They must have seen all the kids coming, they put us in the VIP room! ba ha ha ha!)
Other than that i really didnt do much unless you guys wanna read about how often i cleaned my house this weekend (the amount of times i stood on lego was utterly fucked a pain in the ass ridiculous.

The truth be told, im just lil ol'me, with my cute little kids, and my amazing not so lil partner! I really wish i had more interesting things to say...
I told you guys a while ago that i was having an honesty week... well THAT went interesting.. I never knew my friends were so interested in me. I mean really. I expected a few. On facebook i had over 60 questions inboxed to me (Imagine my heart attack when i logged in and saw i had 42 new MSG's. Dear lord, have you nothing better to do with your time? Ba hahaha.
Here are my top rated.

1. how old were you when you started smoking?   A:  Im smoking? SHIIIITTTTT...... im on fire! :P (No really, i was either 11 or 12...
2. What is your biggest dream in life?     A: to raise my kids to be well adjusted and good people, when it comes down to it, i dont care about if they become doctors or lawyers. i just want them to lead a happy respectful productive life.
3. What really "grinds your gears"?    A:   seeing kids that arent looked after, prima donnas, attention seekers... and people on fb that constantly whinge about life. i mean, yeah we get it... lifes hard, but really? you are 15 living with mummy and daddy rich as hell and have no responsibilities... GET OVER YOURSELF!
4. How often do you swear?   A: I try not to as Miss A tends to repeat everything i say... but have been caught out cutting myself off... but my replacement swear words are great, Kerfuffle, Oink, and my new fav insult is tosser, cos Miss A can reapeat that and as long as it isnt aimed at someone, im happy!
5. Is sex important?    A: well obviously it holds some important part in a relationship but i think if a relationship can survive without it happily and not have any bad repurcussions, its great! ( tis also an AWESOME tool/ weapon to use against partners!)

So not extremely interesting but oh well!

"time turns over and things may change, you will with them... dont fret.
Cos I Can

Its been a while ;)

So... its been a while since i last wrote in here... Lifes been a bit hectic as of late. :( Poor little Miss A has the flu and has turned into a litte sook overnight! And now Miss K has an ulcer in her mouth. So life has not been fun of late.
Miss K also decided to reject breastfeeding altogether about 2 weeks ago :( so teething is fun now all off our fingers are being chewed and shes leaving pools of drool evereywhere!

The kids are my life and everything about them makes me smile! Id do anything for those two beautiful girls. Mr D has been unusually distant lately too, he had a head cold for 2 weeks straight so instead of 2 kids, i had 3... What is it about men that when they get sick they are immediately "dying"? Yet when we get sick, if we whinge once, we're "whingers" do they seriously not see how sooky whingy........ GIRLY they're being!

To be honest at the moment im not entirely sure where Mr D and i stand with each other, we never fight... (as in never) we talk things out... But lately he's been distant and not talking to me about anything... Our sex life has gone down the drain and he's been sleeping alot... Im starting to worry that he's depressed... I want to approach him about it but im not sure how he'd react... He's a very "manly"man, never really shows his emotions.

The kids simply adore him, but lately he has been appearing to feign interest when spending the little amount of time he does spend with them...

Its been killing me not knowing whats going on but im also scared that if i open pandoras box..... Well.... You know what they say...

In my absence, I did get some really cute pics though :-) And i actually managed to get a nice pic of Mr D and Miss K!




Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense.
Cos I can

A glimpse into my weekend!

So my weekend (or so  the days of the week told me), was... well... not really all that exciting. I stayed home and played with the kids. Mr D went and played laser tag on saturday (he acts like a big kid sometimes :P )
The good news is that Miss A is now counting to ten unaided and Miss K is sleeping through the night now! :D

So there isnt all that much to update on really.
I thought that id let you in on a few of the aspirations i had when i was younger... I found that ive done most of them...

• I wanted to have a family....Done
• I wanted to travel to other parts of my country..... Done
• I wanted to fall in love....Done
• I wanted to hold a successful full time job... Done
• I wanted to have close friends that had my back no matter what... Done
• Iwanted to get a qualification... Doing
• I dreamt of being a clean, organised, happy person...Done-ish
• I wanted to make my mum proud... Hopefully doing!

I stopped making new years resolutions about 3 years ago after my heart got broken... I will probably refer back to this as "the incident"so i should probably fill you in on what happened...

The Incident...

I was living in Darwin with my boyfriend at the time (we'll call him f***tard). I did some temp work at an office in the industrial district thanks to my sister landing me the job. I worked 5 days a week and as a smoker i'd occasionally go outside around the side of the office for a quick smoke.. After a few weeks of working there, i met a guy that worked next door to where i did. 

(just to add a bit of back story, f***trd worked in the merchant navy month on month off so he was at work alot, i'd found his phone bill so i could pay it and found that he'd been cheating on me with a chick in melbourne. So i was saving to break up with him.)

The guys name was Mr M... It was lust at first sight... We talked non stop every day then decided to catch up for a beer after work one day... I called f***tard later that day to tell him i was looking at moving out. Mr M and i hit it off amazingly, he was perfect... 

3 weeks after we started seeing each other i found out i was pregnant... Mr M's mates played a cruel joke on me and didnt inform me that Mr M was staying out at the property he had just bought, and not at the flat.. I spent 2 and a half weeks trying to get in contact with Mr M, (his phone had gotten smashed while we were at the drag races a few weeks beforehand) So after those two long (wet) weeks were up and it looked like he was avoiding me, i booked a flight back to NSW where all my friends and family were...

In the following months, Mr D and i got together and we started raising Miss A as our own...

When Miss A was 4 months old, i recieved a txt msg from Mr M.. ASking how i was and why i ran away..

So the whole story came out and Mr M asked for me to come up so he could meet his daughter. I did. 

Miss A and i went on a plane and stayed up there for a week.  I am a bad person for what happened next. I fell back in love with Mr M.

After the week was up i flew home to tell Mr D that i needed to clear my head and have some space as i didnt think it was fair i loved two people at the same time.
I flew back up to Darwin in the next month..
Mr M was always a joker and so i tried to get my own back.. He knew i was coming back and he was so excited!I wouldnt tell him when my flight got in, just the week it would happen. I wish id told him.
Miss A and i arrived at Darwin Airport and was greeted by his two best mates Anne and Gene. Anne took Miss A off my hands and led me towards a room. It was a 2 minute walk. Gene was trying not to cry. Anne was walking behind us..

There's been an accident jess... He's gone.
We got into the room where i was faced by Mr M's boss, best mates, and the airport security. and a policeman.
It was real.
Mr M was dead.
The day before i flew in.
I had nothing.
My sister was called.
I dont remember much after that.


I stayed in Darwin for a week organising Mr M's funeral.
I left.
I got a tattoo.
I havent been back since.

So that is "The Incident" I still think of Mr M daily and wonder what happened. Mr D helped me greive, helped with Miss A and was the most supportive person ive ever met.
I wont go into details about cause of death but i will say that it was accidental. Not murder or suicide. Just a stupid accident.

"when i dont say your name, dont think ive forgotten you... Im just thinking about you in my head and heart
Cos I can